Snooki and her snookums

Jersey Shore – the show we love to hate and hate to love. Week after week we indiginantly tuned into watch the seven guidos and guidettes degrade all that is good and wholesome in common sense, decency and proper grammar.  The Mayans predicted the end of civilization in 2012, but it was Jersey Shore that had many wondering if society had reached an all time moral low. In spite of the inbreeding, reckless alcoholism, weekend orgies and domestic abuse our appetites for smut were insatiable.

When Mike and Pauly would bring girls back to the shore house to bed them then bash them did we decry their behavior, hell no! When Ronnie took to redecorating Sammy’s room during a roid rage calling her all sorts of sweet endearments such as “whore”, “bitch”, “moron”, where were the PSA’s on domestic abuse? Nowhere. When Snooki lost all perecption to whether her ”crotch was sticking out” (and it usually was), did we shield our eyes? No, we laughed at their shenanigans and so the show has thrived. It has thrived not for their moral indecency but for ours because we find it fun and entertaining.

You, America, are the slut.

Let’s be honest, you were updating your status with GTL and asking your meatball friends to steer you clear of the grenades and find you a nice gorilla to take home to your Ma. Maybe you started wearing bedazzled t-shirts extra tight. Or maybe you thought that leopard-print push up bra would make a nice addition to casual Friday. Don’t lie because I did it too. But if I am going to admit that the cast has some endearing qualities, well its time millions of people to come out of the guido-loving closet. 

Its now or never because Snooki’s snatch is shutting it down. Now that Snooki is a mom, she will be invading a whole new demographic which means castmates must now forge their own paths. Sure they are all working on “solo” projects but more so out of necessity than opportunity. Mike’s in rehab, a publicity stunt he’s pulling way to early in his career, because it was rumored that he was gay. JWOWW, who dresses like a porn star is designing bathing suits for women who want to look like a porn star. Pauly D is somewhere testing a line of hair care products laced with cement and Axe body spray with a very successful DJing career. Vinnie is promoting his self-help book, “Control the Crazy.”

Sammy is probably creating a line of water-proof mascaras called “Raaawwwn.” Ronnie could finally be taking his calling to pharmaceuitcal sales seriously. And Dina is most likely trying to market her motto of being a “blast in a glass” by first finding her way out of one.  But do not despair, loyal fans. There will be one last season for the Jersey Shore housemates. In one of the episodes, Snooki, squirts Mike with her breast milk from across a crowded dance floor. OK, that part is not true but it could totally happen. And if it did you would totally watch.

Its official. We have entered the Horny Housewife Era. The domestic goddess of home and hearth is no longer content with mastery of the house but she is also, as Elaine on Seinfeld would say, “master of her domain.” If Christian Grey, the gorgeous and kinky billionaire of 50 Shades of Grey, unlocked the sexual cage around women, then “Magic Mike” blew the thing off  its hinges. In “Mike,” star and executive producer Channing Tatum, who once worked as a stripper, plays a … um … stripper. This former erotic dancer with the heart of gold (don’t they always) is fast becoming Hollywood’s golden boy.

During the movie and in between the cat calls, applause and the imaginary stuffing of dollar bills into leather thongs (I swear, if they could, women would have thrown singles at the screen) the moral tale came through. If you are in the business of fantasy-making, it is inevitable to fall victim to the erotic illusions you’ve created. Book and movie aside, something bigger is going on with today’s women. This new voyage into what some jokingly refer to as mommy smut is more a resurgence of female empowerment and men — yes men — should thank Christian Grey and Magic Mike. While women are indulging in their real and imagined fantasies, some men are crying “double standard” at their objectification. But wasn’t it the men who claimed, no demanded, that women admit they wanted and enjoyed sex as much as they do?

Congratulations boys, you got what you wished for. You can thank the wealthy businessman, the male stripper, the UPS guy, the pool boy and the government spy gone rogue. So fellas, you  may want to take some “dance” classes or invest in some bedroom accessories … just a thought.

This pussy ...cat is ready

And,  yet, ‘Magic Mike’ is still more tame than what your boyfriend watches while you’re at work.

Cinderella is virtuous and gentle. Snow White is as pure as the driven snow. Belle has brains and beauty. With each movie, Disney princesses get bolder and ballsier. Merida, the Scottish heroine of Disney’s “Brave,” is that new sort of princess. Like Mulan with her warrior spirit, Merida is quite handy with a sword and deadly accurate with a bow and arrow. Unlike Mulan, who honored and upheld family tradition, the sassy lass with the flaming red curls rebels against anything that contradicts her fiery independence and freedom.

She is … your typical teenager (albeit, without the medieval weaponry efficiency).

(spoiler alert, kind of)

And like many teenagers, Princess Fireball wants to be the mistress of her own fate not that of her overbearing queen-mother. But be very careful what you wish for, you just might get it. Sometimes you don’t need to be “Brave” but you will need a bear … a momma bear.