Another lame greeting card without a personal note and maybe what appears to be some signatures. Children fidgeting in clothes they hate, and reminding you how life threateningly bored they are. Husband has checked out since he gave you the card and crusty supermarket flowers with a smile on his face that said, “Wow, don’t you feel appreciated. Don’t cha? Please, by all means, brag to your friends. ”

Like the martyr you are, you started the day with a positive attitude, little to no expecati0ns (so you say),  and a whatever- happens-happens attitude. You just want spend your special day, yet another day, with the same people, doing the same things on a day that  “honors” spending day after day with the same people, doing the same things.

Of course that pipe dream lasts for all of a few hours. And just like that, the hardest job is also becomes the most thankless. It probably died on the way to restaurant where the line was about as long as faces standing it.

So thankless it seems that moms to turn scandalous trysts with reckless abandon, according to Ashley Madison, the premier infidelity site, which polled more 14,000 of its married female members and released its findings in the following press release on PR Web:

“While Mother’s Day might not have the implicit romance factor of Valentine’s Day or an anniversary, it’s a holiday that compels women to reflect on their relationships,” says Noel Biderman, CEO

More married women join AshleyMadison.com the day following Mother’s Day than any other day out of the year. Last year, there was a 439% increase over a typical Monday with over 15,000 women signing up to pursue a discreet affair in one day alone.

Holy great unmet expectations Batman! A 439% increase in ONE DAY! That number is just staggering or 2012 was a low point for husbands and boyfriends everywhere, tsk tsk. Any mother could understand how another lousy Mother’s Day could be the straw that breaks the lazy and ungrateful camel’s back. But would lead you to infidelity? Would it lead to women to infidelity in droves?

Fellas, take note. If you think your baby mama is too exhausted, too busy or not sneaky enough to pull off an affair, think again. This morning on a local radio show, DJs on the topic of infidelity asserted “women are much better at it.” I am not condoning infidelity or the web site. Personally, I find the concept disgusting, immoral and tawdry. It is this smut that tears at the fabric of society, however, I confess that I have read more than six articles. Research, its part of my job, duh.

I bet you don’t know what is the most popular establishments cheaters go on dates? I’ll give you a hint, once you know the answer, the term  “medium rare” will take on a whole meaning.

So moms and dads, how was your Mother’s Day? Anyone going to Outback this weekend?

Do you spend more weekends watching TV than you care to admit? Maybe, you forgo foreplay with the Mrs. or Mr.  to catch the latest episode of Game of Thrones. If, forever alone, is the story of your life not just a pop culture catch phrase, you have a problem. And, its called television.

A study of 392 married individuals by psychologist Jeremy Osborn, of Albion College in Michigan, showed that the more people believe in unrealistic portrayals of romance on TV, the less likely they were to be committed to real-life partners.

In other words, TV romances to women is like Internet porn to men: unrealistic, unattainable and unfulfilling.  I would agree that shows like the Bachelorette have taken pining over the perfect man to another level, while shows like Family Guy are taking boys and men into a whole other direction.  Young girls and women want cliche over-the- top romantic gestures and friends to gawk that “he went to Jared” and men want a sandwich. No, really, just a sandwich, hold the feelings, communication and expectations. See how things can turn ugly?

Osborn, whom I will assume based on pure speculation and my own imagination was dumped by a former love for a True Blood type, thus prompting this study, went on to say that,  “In this study I found that people who believe the unrealistic portrayals on TV are actually less committed to their spouses and think their alternatives to their spouse are relatively attractive.”

Wait a minute. What does he mean by alternatives? Office coworker? Best friend? Neighbor? Bowl of ice cream? Dancing with the Stars? My mind just races with possibilities. If I were a man the alternatives would probably start and end with … you guessed it … a sandwich.

Though unclear on the possible “alternatives,” the study not only examined the effects of TV romances but that of romantic movies and these romantic movies are THE romantic movies of all time.

Pretty Woman, The Notebook  and Sleepless in Seattle are some of the juggernauts of chick flicks: Reformed hooker and tycoon, opposites attract have crazy sex in rain and die of old age in each others’ arms and a widower learns to love again thanks to a stranger across the country. [Thank you Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks for ushering in internet dating and the aftermath we now know as "catfish with Sleepless in Seattle and You've Got Mail]

So what can we learn and apply from this study for better chances at healthy lasting relationships? To take inventory of our poor choices, actions and unreasonable demands? Nah. Personal accountability is no fun.

Let’s just blame the media like we do everything else. Oh and Disney, lets blame Walt Disney because THAT’S where it all started, in the young impressionable minds of little girls. But, that is for another time, another post.

In the meantime, let us point fingers at Julia Roberts, Ryan Gosling and Meg Ryan. Or, in my case Amelie, or more recently, Bradley Cooper in Silver Linings ((deeper sigh)).  If you are too far gone, it may not be too late to rectify the relationship wrongs implanted by media for the sake of your children. But, do so quickly, before your daughter introduces you to her vampire boyfriend.

For other insights not as funny as mine visit: Commitment Harder for Those Who Watch TV Romances Study Claims or The Daily Mail.

The usually hilarious and brutally honest comedian, Kevin Hart, was more drunk and reckless than funny this weekend when he was pulled over for “suspicion” of drunk driving.  According to the police report, there were other “objective signs of intoxication.” Subjectively speaking, if I saw someone speeding fast and furiously on a freeway and headed toward a gas tanker, I would be suspicious, too. What “objective” means in law enforcement-ease in this context, is beyond my civilian brain. As for the female passenger he had in the car who later went home in a taxi, there is no objectivity. She was stupid … but lucky. Hopefully, women everywhere realize how his flashy Mercedes almost became a star-struck woman’s coffin.

Mr. Pineapples gave a public and contrite response but the magnitude of what could’ve happened would seem right out of a Die Hard movie. Sadly, although not his intention, his response will be construed as heroic or “keeping it real” by his fanatic following.

“Ah, that’s Kevin Hart. He said he was sorry,” I can hear his groupies saying.

To the cops, at the time of the arrest, “why waste our time. I’m drunk man.” I guess it could be worse, he could have tried to fight the cops and resist arrest.  But have you seen his stand up? Kevin isn’t a fighter, but he is a helluva provider. Though he will be providing a little extra to the state of California.

“Drinking & driving is not a game or a laughing matter. People have lost lives because of stupid … this!,” he said on his Twitter account.

I’ll give him that. That is correct. But the statement seems a bit detached. It should say, “people could’ve have lost their lives because of me.” I wonder if the people on the freeway that day realize how close they came to losing their lives over something “stupid.”

Photo credit: PerezHilton.com

*Photo is not from the night in question.

Sunday is Super Bowl roman numeral, roman numeral, roman numeral. Don’t be condescending, I may not know football but I know Super Bowl parties. How do I know, the big game is Sunday? Because it’s BOGO chips and soda galore at the supermarket, that’s how.

Pity me, if you must or blame it on my daddy or the men in my life, none of whom are “into” football so you can say I’ve been blessed (or cursed, depending on how you see it). Touchdown: me! But, like any self-respecting American, I take full advantage of the day to show off my party girl skills as both guest and hostess.

The following are a few easy peasy lemon squeezy party ideas sure to make your Super Bowl party a winner. Oh, and some stats because what would a Super Bowl be without random stats.

1. Holy guacamole and chips, Batman! An estimated 8 million pounds of avocados and 11.2 million pounds of potato chips will be sold for Sunday. And what is a chip without a dip? A thought too harrowing so let’s get to dipping.

Cilantro Lime Guacamole

If you want to get really crazy, substitute the corn chips for blue corn tortilla chips. Better yet, tell everyone to bring their own bag.

2. Refreshments anyone? What better way to wash down all the sodium but with some sugar. More than $2.37 million dollars will be spent on soda. Use one or both of  these punch bowl recipes to show off team spirit.

Blood-Red Cherry Punch

Purple and Black Punch

3. You must have a cheese platter. After a few sips of punch, party goers will want to form special teams and scrimmage on your football field of dairy. San Francisco cheddar vs.  Baltimore bleu cheese. No recipe needed just look at the platter below and make your own variation.

4. Chocolate-covered strawberry footballs. A treat for the eyes and taste buds.

Simply buy the chocolate of your choice and melt according to package instructions; half strawberries and set on a parchment paper covered cookie sheet; drizzle melted chocolate onto strawberries and cool in fridge to set chocolate. For the white icing detail use Betty Crocker Cup Cake icing (in a canister with decorating attacments). And, voila! You are officially a Super Bowl hostess with the mostess.

Random Super Bowl facts.

* The Super Bowl is the second highest day for food consumption after Thanksgiving.

* 48 million people will order take out or delivery.

* Domino’s estimates it will deliver more than 11 million slices of pizza.

* Party goers will consume more than 27 billions calories and 1.8 billion grams of fat from chips.

* An estimated 51.7 million cases of beer will be sold.

* Stores report a 20% increase in antacid sales the day after.

Death to Cupid

Valentine’s, Happily Ever After or Forever Alone Day, … whatever February 14th means to you, the pressure-cooker holiday is upon us. No other holiday can turn rational women into love zombies as quickly or men into cheapo creepos. The only thing scarier than VD is getting a VD.

VALENTINE’S DAY BY THE NUMBERS

• $112, the average amount a man will spend. $55 for women. LÓreal would say we’re worth it
• 220, 000, the average number of marriage proposals on this day. Great way to remember your anniversary, cost effective in the long run win-win fellas.
• 70% of singles who wouldn’t mind a blind date. Don’t do this this screams “desperate.”
• 15% is the estimated number of women who will send themselves flowers. Buy shoes, this also screams “desperate.”
• $367 million spent on gifts for pets. Run, Fluffy! She’s coming after that rhinestone collar.
• In terms of gifts men will spend the most on flowers, cards, candy, evening out and jewelry, in that order. Women expect all that but in reverse.

GENTS heed these wise words  ”men should not take this holiday lightly buy household appliances.”

Don’t complain that this holiday is a commercialized conspiracy designed to force romance and spending.

Do realize you probably spent the gift average of $127 easily on a night out with the boys or rounding up grub to sit in a crowded parking lot for a tail gate. Check yourself before you wreck yourself!

Don’t wait till the last minute.  Look at it mathematically, the more you plan, the less you will spend, the greater the pay off at the end of the night …boomchickawowwow.

Do think back to the things that made her squeal and break into jumpy claps. Do more of that but with a twist.

Don’t go for the cliche flowers and candy. Unless you are dating a middle schooler, those gifts are compliments not center pieces.

Do sign up for Living Social or Groupon emails that offer a plethora of great deals from spa packages, dining, jewelry and weekend excursions.

Don’t focus on why you hate the holiday.  Don’t be that guy.

Do try to be as romantic as possible.  Instead, Be this guy. Surprise her with a love/sexy song playlist on her iPod, in a handwritten message tell her 10 Things I Love About You. The more random, quirkier and sexier the better. Take pics of the night on your phone and post it your Facebook or Instagram.  Get into it.

LADIES

Don’t dig through your emotional closet and drag out every conceivable unmet relationship expectation and disappointment and dump it on him. Bitterness is not cute. Ultimatums are not sexy.

Do think of the big and small things that are gush-worthy and bring them up as the day gets closer. Men respond to praise and affirmation and the seed planted will bloom.

Don’t expect your Family Guy to become 50 Shades of Christian Grey. Part of love is being accepted for who we are. Don’t forget who he is and why you are with him in the first place.

Do be considerate of his socio-economic status.  Newsflash! If your man is loyal, honest and hardworking you have already been validated with character traits not available for free shipping at Macy’s.

Don’t get him a gift that really only you would enjoy.  Think about what you would like and do the opposite.

Do stick to the basics and kick them up a notch; sex, food and food with sex. And with this you will not only be inducted into the Hall of Fame but be the greatest of all time.

Heed Joy Hog’s advice, lest you end up Forever Alone.

(Link to Samuel L. Jackson book narration at end of post)

A long day has passed with running, jumping and squealing, followed by more running, jumping and squealing. While as a parent, you marvel at your child’s boundless energy, you also wish rather than a morphine drip you could get a coffee drip to keep up.  If you deny this fact then either you are lying, have a nanny or popping Xanax like mints.

Ideally, bed time is supposed to be a magical time. A time of cozy jammies, nightlights, Baby Mozart and sweet kisses on the forehead. Yes, this is how bed time starts out but what happens shortly after are the moments that keep moms and dads on cliff’s edge of insanity, moments that parents don’t dare speak of at play dates or birthday parties.

I know all too well how in one hour a smile that melted my heart could taunt and mock me like the Joker. “Are they laughing at me?” I think. “ARE THEY LAUGHING AT ME,” Grrrrrrr … I Hulk smash into their room. And, just so you know. Yes, yes they are laughing at me. As well they should. I look ridiculous in a pink, fluffy robe and my favorite pink and gray hippo slippers. They laugh as we laughed at our parents. Oh, karma you saucy minx.

But, finally, one brave parent dared break his silence. Adam Mansbach eloquently and controversially parodied the night time ritual in Go the F**k to Sleep – an “adult’s children’s book.”

The cats nestle close to their kittens now.

The lambs have laid down with the sheep.

You’re cozy and warm in your bed, my dear

Please go the f**k to sleep.

Ah, yes. Simple and yet poignant in its prose. The book goes on to poetically depict a parent further unraveling with every excuse and trick his child uses to not go to sleep. Published in 2011, GTFTS became a viral sensation before it hit Amazon’s digital shelves. It was applauded for its candor and derided for its vulgarity. An ethical debate then ensued between parents, publishers and child advocates which was furthered by OP-ED pieces in major news outlets like the New York Times and CNN.

(more…)

After Halloween, Christmas is thrust upon us before we’ve had a chance to unbutton our Thanksgiving fat pants. Walk into any store and we instantly know when its time to be spooky, time to be grateful, or time to be merry.

Oh, humanity! We really know how to suck the meaning out of things by forcing the meaning of things. Nevertheless, life is not without its comic relief from the absurdity of our own self-importance.

So, for this holiday season, with all that is ugly in the world, I am grateful that we have not lost the ability to laugh at those absurd vanities.

And is there nothing more absurd or vain than the Williams-Sonoma Catalog? See for yourself. Flip through the pages and know your life is meaningless unless you are a proud owner of some custom twine, a rustic chicken coup, or a cheese hamper. Truly, at first I did not know who moved my cheese but then I was plagued by where to put said prodigal cheese. Thank you, cheese hamper!

Read Deadspin’s The Hater’s Guide to the Williams-Sonoma Catalog.