French Bakers To Kanye: Chill Out, Our Fine Pastry Takes Time

o KANYE WEST CROISSANT 570 French Bakers To Kanye: Chill Out, Our Fine Pastry Takes Time

Kanye West raps on his latest album:

I am a god

So hurry up with my damn massage

In a French-ass restaurant

Hurry up with my damn croissants.”

The Association of French Bakers has responded with a tongue-in-cheek letter. The bakers stress that the magnificent croissant can’t be rushed. They also say they take his lyrics seriously.

From the other lines in the song, we have come to understand that you may in fact be a ‘God.’ Yet if this were the case?—?and we, of course, take you at your word?—?we wonder why you do not more frequently employ your omnipotence to change time and space to better suit your own personal whims.”

The full letter:

To Monsieur Kanye West:

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter, Nord! This is a truly auspicious time for you?—?and so it is with great sadness that we must lodge a formal complaint against the song “I am a God” from your new album Yeezus.

Our organization represents bakers across France, many of whom have taken great offense at this particular rhyming couplet:

In a French-ass restaurant

Hurry up with my damn croissants

Assuming you, as a man of means, dine exclusively at high-end restaurants and boulangeries during your voyages to Paris, it could not be possible that the delay of your “damn” croissants originated from slow service. And certainly, you are not a man to be satisfied with pre-made croissants from the baked goods case reheated and tossed out on a small platter. No?—?you had demanded your croissants freshly baked, to be delivered to your table straight out of the oven piping hot.

And it was with great joy you ordered croissants? —?not crêpes or brioches?—?because only croissants can proudly claim that exquisite combination of flaky crust and a succulent center. The croissant is dignified?—?not vulgar like a piece of toast, simply popped into a mechanical device to be browned. No?—?the croissant is born of tender care and craftsmanship. Bakers must carefully layer the dough, paint on perfect proportions of butter, and then roll and fold this trembling croissant embryo with the precision of a Japanese origami master.

This process, as you can understand, takes much time. And we implore the patience of all those who order croissants. You may be familiar with the famous French expression, “A great croissant is worth waiting a lifetime for.”

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Author: James K

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