friday13
Warner Brothers
In Theaters Today

Just in time for Valentine’s day comes “Friday the 13th,” out on Friday the 13th (imagine that!). Marcus Nispel, of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” (2003), directs this half remake and half sequel of the the 1980 flick – Nispel calls it a “re-imagining.” I would advise movie-goers to not expect too much imagination. If you’re looking for a slasher film like the remake of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” then you will get what you want. This one is less gritty and has lots more boobs.

The film opens with a group of five in search of weed growing near “Crystal Lake.” Two couples and one funny guy handling the GPS just out to have some fun and sell some weed. They make the mistake of camping in Jason Vorhees’s (Derek Mears) hood, near the abandoned Crystal Lake camp, and *SPOILER ALERT* are killed off one by one (or so we think). Nispel paints a wonderful little scene of sexy-time youth (baby oil gets slathered on breasts) who like smoking the ganja and drinking PBR. This is also 20 minutes long, so in the audience is all, “Is this one last girl going to run around for the next 90 minutes?” Then, boom, “Friday the 13th” comes up on the screen. All just a teaser for the rest of the film.

Then we get a group of six sexy-youngins heading to their friend Trent’s (Travis Van Winkle) big house in the woods. Along their drive there they run into Clay (Jared Padalecki of Gilmore Girls fame) who is looking for his sister (the one we saw in the teaser getting chased by Jason) who went missing. Trent, a jerk by nature, is a total dick to Clay cause he wants to buy some condoms and Doritos and this “bro” is holding up the line. Trent’s ambiguous girlfriend Jenna (Danielle Panabaker) apologizes to Clay for her beau’s rudeness. Sparks fly. They shall meet again.

Also in the young crew is Chewie (Aaron Yoo), a wise-cracking Asian (am I wrong, or is Chewie a hispanic nick name? ), a funny and faux-confrontational black man, Lawrence (Arlen Escarpeta), a sexy-tini blonde chick, Whitney (Amanda Righetti) and a blonde stoner dude who is not named in the press kit given to me (sorry). The rest of the movie goes just as you would imagine, Clay and Jenna go off in search of Clay’s lost sister while the other kids screw around (sometimes literally) at Trent’s big house in the woods and get killed off in the order that you would imagine. This is your run-of-the-mill horror flick, only innovative in the fact that they have young people in it. You’ll jump, you’ll laugh, you’ll be grossed out. Instead of critiquing any further, because really it’s exactly what you’d expect, I’ll instead end by telling you the 13 things I learned from watching Friday the 13th:

  1. Horror-movie goers are mostly men, judging by the amount of breasts in the movie.
  2. Boobs and nipples come in all shapes, sizes, colors and are always big (we see three sets!)
  3. Boys who smoke weed alone will immediately want to jerk off (we see this twice).
  4. The funny side kick who talks a lot will always die.
  5. Good looking guys and gals with good sentiments will not always live.
  6. How Jason found his hockey mask.
  7. Boobs during sex are sexier than topless wake-boading which is sexier than boobs smothered in baby oil.
  8. Sharp shiny things through the head is a great way to kill someone.
  9. Do not camp near Silver Lake.
  10. Do not try to steal Jason Vorhees’s weed.
  11. Do not go walking in the woods alone.
  12. Contemporary horror-movies like to make their audiences jump by loud noises EVERY chance they get.
  13. Jason Vorhees cannot die.